Photo Friday....

The status quo

For the past two years, I have been struggling with depression and levels of mental health.  It could go back much longer (which I will refer to in a little while in this post).

In February 2017, one of my closest friends and mentors passed away.  Dave H gave me my first proper job (outside of flipping hamburgers in a well known High Street franchise). 

At that time (circa 1988) when my parents' marriage was, well, dying - he was like a best friend (even though he had a mullet haircut). 

He offered me employment, advice, a shoulder to cry on when I needed it (c'mon, I was 18) but above all, believed in me.

He made me read great books (Jonathan Carroll, Harlan Ellison and Joe R Lansdale).  He also, introduced me to great cinema (Argento - Suspiria) and David Lynch (Eraserhead....but more importantly, Twin Peaks - he had the habit of leaving messages singing the Twin Peaks theme on the analogue answering machine in the house I shared).

Like my friend, Pete Cemm who passed away (in 2004) from something that could have been avoided in the hospital he was being treated in, I think about them both everyday.  Both of the lifelong friends meant the world to me and I miss their presence, wisdom and most of all, their brilliance.  My life would be a lesser place if I never met them.

But, what bothered me was a memory in 2006 when someone who appeared to be a "friend" said to me "Are you happy?"  At that time, I had just lost my father and my closest friend and my brain screamed "I am in a deep depression and that has to be the most insensitive and crass thing I have ever heard from anyone who walked this planet".  Yet, that person thought it was an appropriate question and from this day, I still cannot believe that they said that.

Is anyone happy?  I doubt it - most of the people I know live from pay day to pay day.  They struggle with bills, keeping their kids fed and making a living.  "Are they happy?".  I think not.  They survive and endure.  Happiness for them might be a good meal or not having to worry about tomorrow's struggle.


Skipping forward, 2017, I have recorded this before but not in this kind of detail.  Around Easter in 2017, my mum (Gwen) could not put a sentence together.  She had issues with eating, speaking and looking after herself.

  After a number of tests (based on nutrition) which were invasive and horrid (MRI, colonoscopies and other horrid things), she had a fall at her home. 

I found her, in her bedroom after she missed an appointment with the doctor and she did not answer the phone.  The paramedics were amazing and got her to the hospital.  Linda and I spent the next many hours in ER with mum.  Over the next few days we found out she had terminal lung cancer which was not spotted by her GP.  The following weeks were spent with deciding next steps (DNR - do not resuscitate decisions - how could I make that decision?)

Her quality of life was, horrible (she pulled out the needle from her drip in frustration, she screamed in pain at night so she was moved to a private room).  When Linda and I received "the call" at 5:40 am, I ran along the corridors only to touch her hand only to find it was cold and lifeless.  I called the Doctor and a nurse only to see them go through the motions (open mum's mouth, check pulse, slap her face, check eyes then call the time of death on the chart according to the clock on the wall).  At this time, I am slumped in a chair in the corner of the room.

So, go back to 2006.  Am I happy?  No.  Is my mum happy?  No.  How about the friends who are dead?  Are they happy?  No.

What I am trying to say is - check your privilege.  If you are breathing and are living.  Good.  If you are in a space where you can judge others without understanding them - not good.

People may not be happy but we're still breathing and struggling.  Which is a great achievement, I hope.

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Photo Friday - from the archives!

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Monday musings

Alice Morgan - gonna miss you xx

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Cyberwoman

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Sometimes I think I am drowning in a sea of my own emotions....

Stand up to Cancer

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Best. Anti-Depressant. Ever

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A better place..

I have taken some annual leave today to reflect, learn and snuggle under the lovely duvet with the cats!


I think I have massively lost perspective of late with a number of things that have been beyond my control (2017 - the death of a close friend and mentor, the death of my mother and Linda losing her mum too).  My previous meds failing me (8 years and a resistance build up =  awful results).

When things chip away at you piece by piece, you can react hideously to unimportant situations/triggers.  And I am guilty of that.

So, today I have learned:

1. Not to react instantly to a sleight or an off hand comment when it does not directly impact upon my life/well-being.  
2. Let things go - people say or make comments just out of an off hand manner.  Do not take it personally, it might not be about me. Also, the people challenging you might have your best interests and well-being in heart.  Misreading a situation is not good.  Social media is a gift and a curse.
3. Analyse, process and discard the negative thoughts. (And learn from them....keep that diary, mister!)
4. Be a better person - creating more pain does not solve things, it can make situations a whole lot worse.  Also, be the humble person - again, misreading a situation can be oh so not cool.  Yep, be super humble from now on - take it on the chin, learn, forget and move on.
5. Never make assumptions.  Don't be a snowflake.  Learn from your personal history.
6. Enjoy life for what it is - a fleeting few moments in a miasma of randomness.

I apologise for any pain caused to any of the people who's paths I have crossed.  My empathy levels have been low and I need to turn that around asap.

So, strategies -

1. Purchase a white board and record what annoys, saddens or disappoints me.  Then wait 24 hours to see if the emotions are still valid.
2. Count to 10 (or 100!) if needed.  Then only react if someone is in physical or mental danger.
3. Let things go - life is too short for grudges.
4. Be the better person (again, brilliant advice from my therapist).

I'm lucky and blessed, I have my health, a happy marriage, a home and 3 adorable cats.  I will concentrate on the positive and process the negative.

Photo Friday

A change of pace this week - it's been a challenging one as Linda is undergoing a number of tests for an un-diagnosed health condition that she is currently experiencing.  My levels of resilience are at an all time low and we're just trying to keep it all together.


Thank you for your patience and understanding.

The colours of resilience

Random thoughts...

The last few years have been a challenge.  I'm trying to use this blog to record not only photography but...my thoughts and experiences.

Of late, I've found it difficult to engage with the outside world.  I can work from home when needed (remotely) has this has been such positive thing. My type of work (case worker) means that I can work away from the office when I need to.

I stay in most weekends and have not ventured into the (Birmingham) city centre for about 18 months.

My to read list of comics is now about 2 long boxes worth of issues and the books....well, about 5 feet in height.


I do not think I have become agoraphobic but I do not like leaving the house unless it is necessary.

I sleep way too much to avoid thinking about what bothers me.  I avoid social situations when I can (as my trust in people from the past has been eroded due to them, well, being quite horrid).

My collecting habit (figures/movies) is more of a burden than a pleasure right now - Linda and I are trying to catalogue things ready to sell up (collection/house and get out of Birmingham in about 10 years to somewhere in the country or near to the sea)

We (Linda and I) have a healthy set of savings and investments yet I find if difficult to plan holidays due to me #catastrophising potential situations.  My depression, although now under control is still a massive issue.


However, we have planned a number of breaks/holidays, carried out house improvements and seen our kittens (River...Romana and now little Lucy grow older so they are ready for a cattery when we go on vacation).


I can see one day that I will be depression free but this will take time.

We have cut much of the #deadwood out of our lives with false friends and fake people sent on their way.

I've stopped putting the needs of others (especially the fake people) ahead of my own wellbeing.

I am my own person and I do not judge my own experiences or successes by measuring them with others.

Coming up to 40 million hits on my page!

Now, here is a picture of Romana.  Gaze in her glory ;)

Sci Fi Friday!

One year on...

It has been a year to the day that my mother passed after a brief (but painful) struggle with terminal cancer.

The time leading up to her death is now a blur, all I can remember is the smell of hospitals, the cessation of her treatment and confirming orders of not to resuscitate.

The past year has been a struggle but has gone so quickly.  After neglecting my own mental well being I have not been at my best but I am on the mend with a new set of antidepressants and a much more positive outlook.

Losing both parents in just over ten years has been an exhausting experience but strangely I do not feel lonely as I have memories of both of them that I carry with me every day (both good and bad, positive and negative).

All I can do is now look to the future and try to enjoy the journey a little more as we all know what the ultimate destination is...

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Something more positive and a cleanser for all the negativity..

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Good times

Lorde - Green Light

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"Robowoman"

Manhattan at night.

Lorde - SuperCut (Lyric Video)

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Photo Friday!

In other news...

Tomorrow is my last day of work for a week of annual leave.


I'm feeling a little burned out due to a lot of things - this time last year I was supporting my mum with lots of hospital tests not knowing that she had terminal cancer.  I won't go into details but that was a very dark time.


Also, 26 December 2017 (a day prior to my wife's birthday), Linda's mum passed away from cancer.


Again, a horrible period in our lives.


I am trying to take "stock" of "things" but am failing dismally.

I guess I am weak and not up to standard but I am trying to make sense of what the universe pushes or forces onto us.

Maybe I deserve it...the misery and the pain but....I will battle it to the end.  In my darkest hours I have contemplated the "easy" or "cheapest" way out but that is not me.  I want to say "fuck you haters!"

I am still breathing...yo.

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Memories of NY

I just cannot stop listening to this song...

Combining two of my favourite media loves right now.  #lorde

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