Photo Friday!

#retro #film

Excited!

Ridley Scott's Alien - 4K UHD disc.

Yep, I am one of those who are the on the 4K UHD HDR bandwagon.  

Outside of Jaws, Raiders of the Lost Ark and the Star Wars movies (aside from SW:  The Last Jedi which already has a 4K UHD disc) this is possibly one of my most eagerly awaited releases.

I remember watching Alien on the telly box (Cathode Ray Tube) back in the day.  All the blacks looked grey, it was in 4:3 image aspect ratio (which meant the image was cropped) but it was still bloody amazing.  I think this, with my 5.1 sound system will be a treat for both the eyes and the ears.

My 4K Blu Ray library is growing at a good rate but this whole dystopian view of physical media is becoming tiresome.  Netflix et al are great but if you like something and want to future proof it, you cannot beat having something on the shelf as streaming movies is nice but it doesn't mean you'll be able to access it forever as some companies can pull those titles at the drop of a hat.

Counting down the days for this release... :)

Mid-week catch up

Secret fact about me - I *adore* the music of Sir Elton John.  Yeah, I know, not down with the kids or  being cool.  His compositions, songs and lyrics just cut to the heart of the matter.  Like Bowie, Lennon and The Stones, they shaped many of us 20th Century kids who listened to the radio during the 70's and 80's

Other fact - I believe that Bohemian Rhapsody was an amazing film (excluding the taint from the controversy of the "original" director" but I am not qualified to comment on that.  All I know and feel is that the film portrayed a massively difficult narrative in a sensitive way, to protect the memories and legacy of Freddy and his lovers).

I'm a massive fan of actor and director Dexter Fletcher - if you ever get the chance, track down the series that was created by Mr Steven Moffat in the 80's.  It's can be purchased here and it is some of the best drama ever made (seriously, it's a kid's show but the themes, OMG!)

Fletcher, has directed this and I will be there on day one - Rocket Man.

But, back to Sir Elton and Taron.  One of my all time favourite songs. Two of the most brilliant and talented people sharing a stage to highlight the work of an amazing charity.

 Enjoy!

Therapy Tuesday

I've been back in therapy (1-1) for the last 3 months.

It is helping, massively but, gosh it takes its toll.  Each session is painful, funny and enlightening.  I learn something new about myself and how I deal with things.

OK - Today's session.

• I am not a terrible person, I'm actually articulate, funny and possibly creative.  Greg, my therapist, said that I am very funny.  I do use humour as a shield sometimes  (although I need to work on my delivery.
• Greg asked me about my screenplay and asked for a run down of the first act.  He liked it but worst pitch ever.  If I am ever in the position to sell this, I need to be prepared.  I was not expecting to be asked about it.  Totally unprepared.
• Anti-depressants are possibly no longer me (daily intake) but look to alternate support mechanisms (Beta-Blockers or something to reduce anxiety).
• I have massive issues with suppressing anger and dealing with it (in life outside of work).  Fight or Flight confirmed.  We discussed "Helicopter Theory" (Imagine you are in a situation, viewing it from above and evaluate it.  What could go wrong, what could make things go more smoothly).  (Note:  I am not violent and would never resort to a physical reaction unless my life, or that of Linda's was under threat.  Physical violence scares me)
• My "strange" family history.
• The darker stuff was super dark, not talking about it here.  Probably never (I hope)
• Depression and anxiety is a "time thief".  I realised this along time ago (NOT in a Galaxy Far Far Away).  I voiced my concerns that I am not feeling up to living like this tomorrow, next month...yadda yadda yadda but he assured me that I can change things.
• Physics and death.  I tried to apply basic physics.  Energy cannot be destroyed, it just changes it state/form.  You burn a piece of wood, that releases energy but my stupid,awful brain also applied this to death.  Energy changes form but no one has ever come back from the dead (yet!).  What if my brain (still aware) is trapped in a decaying body.....*shudder*.  That one will keep me awake for a long long time.
• Having good things to look forward to.  Life is not about hurdles and failure.  It's about perspective and more importantly, hope.
  
  So, that was my afternoon.  It felt like lancing a boil but I found out a few interesting things.
  
  So, Therapy wins today!
  
  YAY!

Number one!

To all my fantastic friends out there!

James B, Ingrid, Eva, Brandy Lee, Marg OC and Linds.

All the people who have believed in me over the years and new friends (James, Elena En. K, Natasha G and the amazing Joylan Brilliance).  Apols if I missed anyone out here!  Love you all!


Thank you. x

The Diary of Me vs Detoxing from Anti-Depressants.

Five days in from cutting out the Venlafaxine.  

The past five days have felt like an eternity of vertigo, sickness, brain shocks (more like mini seizures), lucid dreams, awful nightmares, no co-ordination, vomiting and online shopping (not one of the listed side effects but I have a some new "Dooms Day" Prepping Equipment, a Captain Marvel Action Figure, a Funko Goose the Cat and some Lego)  

The past 9 or 10 years I have felt like I have been kept on ice

Feeling things again has been a shock to the system.


I think I had forgotten what it was like to experience emotions and feelings. 

The Good.

Art, books, music, film, talking to the cats, sunlight and the experience of a great meal.  Appreciating my physical form and how it reacts to pleasurable situations.  Feeling my emotions well up (happy or sad), experiencing that bursting sensation in my chest.

The Bad.

Memories of a past that are out of my reach, mistakes I have made, people I have let down, actions I can never change, moments of soul destroying sadness, crying over silly things that are recalling the bitter and the sweet at the same time.
  

The Ugly.

Anger.  Fear.  Hate.  Not being able to control my emotional reactions or responses.  Even using my intellect cannot stop that instant Fight/flight paradigm.  A lack of trust in people.  Not being brave enough to call things out when I should have.  


How do I move forward?  

Well, I think it's dumb to say after five days of feeling more alive that things will improve but it's a start.  I'm not an adventurous person but several people have recommended this as a treatment and it's in the realm of possibility (one day but given my current working arrangements, it's completely off reservation and is not a viable option).


Five Days.  It feels more like Five Years.  


Ask how things are going in 10 days........

Something for a Sunday afternoon

"Still a man hears what he wants to hear, and disregards the rest"....

I was caught up in my own problems - 4 February 2005.  Miss you, dad x

14 years - passed in an instant, you weren't perfect but you ensured Andy (my brother - even though we never met until 1992, family secrets suck) and myself were never hungry or bereft.  You taught me some harsh life lessons but maybe you were right.

Phil -  30 March 1946 * 4 February 2005.

In the clearing stands a boxer

And a fighter by his trade

And he carries the reminders

Of every glove that laid him down

Or cut him till he cried out

In his anger and his shame

"I am leaving, I am leaving"

But the fighter still remains

Star Wars: The Last Jedi.

This was the second film we watched this evening.  People (read:  Fans) are divided.  Personally, it's in my top 28 movies of all time.


Brilliant, bold, emotional, pitch perfect - although, some of the narrative threads are a bit "testing"  (Casino world, Hodo and Poe's incessant *emo* trip, however, he does light the spark...eventualy) but...I love it with every thread of my being and existence.

Also, Porgs and crystal critters, yo!

Rey, Finn, Poe, BB8, Luke, Kylo, Yoda, Captain Phasma and Chewie!

Leia (Carrie Fisher, we all miss you x)

John Wick

Tonight is gonna be about Cantonese food and a film.  In this case - John Wick.

Skeletal Saturday!

Photo Friday!

2006

Tired....

Tired tired tired.....dead.

(Image from https://www.janiceotremba.com/defacing-depression/ - a brilliant commentator)

Current mood.


Yep, detoxing from an anti-depressant that I should never have been prescribed after last year when I had a mild SSRI =


Suicidal Thoughts.

Brain shocks (read mini seizures)

Urine looks like Orange Fanta/Tango.

Mood swings (duh)

Vertigo (fallen twice down the stairs)

Nightmares (yep - but some dreams are brilliant, almost a screen play in their awesomeness)

Vomiting - green bile, even though I fast and do not eat past 8pm

Tiredness - sleeping for 15 hours per day in some instances.

Do *not*ask  about the hallucinations...seriously, don't.

Now an orphan - both parents dead.


Hey, thank you NHS.


So, new regime, no more ADs, looking forward to two weeks in Orlando (Florida) later this year (with other half, on a holibob, not last minute dot com, lol) no more pouring boiling hot water over skin when there is a perceived allergic reaction (or cutting myself).  Yep, that is a thing now.

And trying not to choke to death when throat closes up and restricts breathing.  That's not cool.  GP said drink more water (yep).  Sleeping 15 hours per day is now also a "thing".  Mood swings where I cannot stop crying about stupid stuff.  The crushing lack of hopelessness regarding my possessions, what is left of my family and how I can possibly live the life of a "normal" human being".

Fear, hopelessness, failure.

Yep, welcome to my world.

Photo Friday....

The status quo

For the past two years, I have been struggling with depression and levels of mental health.  It could go back much longer (which I will refer to in a little while in this post).

In February 2017, one of my closest friends and mentors passed away.  Dave H gave me my first proper job (outside of flipping hamburgers in a well known High Street franchise). 

At that time (circa 1988) when my parents' marriage was, well, dying - he was like a best friend (even though he had a mullet haircut). 

He offered me employment, advice, a shoulder to cry on when I needed it (c'mon, I was 18) but above all, believed in me.

He made me read great books (Jonathan Carroll, Harlan Ellison and Joe R Lansdale).  He also, introduced me to great cinema (Argento - Suspiria) and David Lynch (Eraserhead....but more importantly, Twin Peaks - he had the habit of leaving messages singing the Twin Peaks theme on the analogue answering machine in the house I shared).

Like my friend, Pete Cemm who passed away (in 2004) from something that could have been avoided in the hospital he was being treated in, I think about them both everyday.  Both of the lifelong friends meant the world to me and I miss their presence, wisdom and most of all, their brilliance.  My life would be a lesser place if I never met them.

But, what bothered me was a memory in 2006 when someone who appeared to be a "friend" said to me "Are you happy?"  At that time, I had just lost my father and my closest friend and my brain screamed "I am in a deep depression and that has to be the most insensitive and crass thing I have ever heard from anyone who walked this planet".  Yet, that person thought it was an appropriate question and from this day, I still cannot believe that they said that.

Is anyone happy?  I doubt it - most of the people I know live from pay day to pay day.  They struggle with bills, keeping their kids fed and making a living.  "Are they happy?".  I think not.  They survive and endure.  Happiness for them might be a good meal or not having to worry about tomorrow's struggle.


Skipping forward, 2017, I have recorded this before but not in this kind of detail.  Around Easter in 2017, my mum (Gwen) could not put a sentence together.  She had issues with eating, speaking and looking after herself.

  After a number of tests (based on nutrition) which were invasive and horrid (MRI, colonoscopies and other horrid things), she had a fall at her home. 

I found her, in her bedroom after she missed an appointment with the doctor and she did not answer the phone.  The paramedics were amazing and got her to the hospital.  Linda and I spent the next many hours in ER with mum.  Over the next few days we found out she had terminal lung cancer which was not spotted by her GP.  The following weeks were spent with deciding next steps (DNR - do not resuscitate decisions - how could I make that decision?)

Her quality of life was, horrible (she pulled out the needle from her drip in frustration, she screamed in pain at night so she was moved to a private room).  When Linda and I received "the call" at 5:40 am, I ran along the corridors only to touch her hand only to find it was cold and lifeless.  I called the Doctor and a nurse only to see them go through the motions (open mum's mouth, check pulse, slap her face, check eyes then call the time of death on the chart according to the clock on the wall).  At this time, I am slumped in a chair in the corner of the room.

So, go back to 2006.  Am I happy?  No.  Is my mum happy?  No.  How about the friends who are dead?  Are they happy?  No.

What I am trying to say is - check your privilege.  If you are breathing and are living.  Good.  If you are in a space where you can judge others without understanding them - not good.

People may not be happy but we're still breathing and struggling.  Which is a great achievement, I hope.

Photo Friday!

Photo Friday - from the archives!

Photo Friday!

Scifi Friday!

Scifi Friday!

Monday musings

Alice Morgan - gonna miss you xx

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Photo Friday and Happy New Year!

Photo Friday!

Christmas Photo Friday!

This was the most festive photo I could find (this morning!)

Photo Friday!

Sci Fi Friday!

Scifi Friday!

Photo Friday!

Scifi Friday!

Cyberwoman

Scifi Friday!

Alien Gaskmask Woman

Scifi Friday!

Sometimes I think I am drowning in a sea of my own emotions....

Stand up to Cancer

Photo Friday!

Photo Friday!

Photo Friday!

Photo Friday!

Random Photo Tuesday!

Best. Anti-Depressant. Ever

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Photo Friday!

Photo Friday!

Random Tuesday!

A better place..

I have taken some annual leave today to reflect, learn and snuggle under the lovely duvet with the cats!


I think I have massively lost perspective of late with a number of things that have been beyond my control (2017 - the death of a close friend and mentor, the death of my mother and Linda losing her mum too).  My previous meds failing me (8 years and a resistance build up =  awful results).

When things chip away at you piece by piece, you can react hideously to unimportant situations/triggers.  And I am guilty of that.

So, today I have learned:

1. Not to react instantly to a sleight or an off hand comment when it does not directly impact upon my life/well-being.  
2. Let things go - people say or make comments just out of an off hand manner.  Do not take it personally, it might not be about me. Also, the people challenging you might have your best interests and well-being in heart.  Misreading a situation is not good.  Social media is a gift and a curse.
3. Analyse, process and discard the negative thoughts. (And learn from them....keep that diary, mister!)
4. Be a better person - creating more pain does not solve things, it can make situations a whole lot worse.  Also, be the humble person - again, misreading a situation can be oh so not cool.  Yep, be super humble from now on - take it on the chin, learn, forget and move on.
5. Never make assumptions.  Don't be a snowflake.  Learn from your personal history.
6. Enjoy life for what it is - a fleeting few moments in a miasma of randomness.

I apologise for any pain caused to any of the people who's paths I have crossed.  My empathy levels have been low and I need to turn that around asap.

So, strategies -

1. Purchase a white board and record what annoys, saddens or disappoints me.  Then wait 24 hours to see if the emotions are still valid.
2. Count to 10 (or 100!) if needed.  Then only react if someone is in physical or mental danger.
3. Let things go - life is too short for grudges.
4. Be the better person (again, brilliant advice from my therapist).

I'm lucky and blessed, I have my health, a happy marriage, a home and 3 adorable cats.  I will concentrate on the positive and process the negative.

Photo Friday

A change of pace this week - it's been a challenging one as Linda is undergoing a number of tests for an un-diagnosed health condition that she is currently experiencing.  My levels of resilience are at an all time low and we're just trying to keep it all together.


Thank you for your patience and understanding.

The colours of resilience

Random thoughts...

The last few years have been a challenge.  I'm trying to use this blog to record not only photography but...my thoughts and experiences.

Of late, I've found it difficult to engage with the outside world.  I can work from home when needed (remotely) has this has been such positive thing. My type of work (case worker) means that I can work away from the office when I need to.

I stay in most weekends and have not ventured into the (Birmingham) city centre for about 18 months.

My to read list of comics is now about 2 long boxes worth of issues and the books....well, about 5 feet in height.


I do not think I have become agoraphobic but I do not like leaving the house unless it is necessary.

I sleep way too much to avoid thinking about what bothers me.  I avoid social situations when I can (as my trust in people from the past has been eroded due to them, well, being quite horrid).

My collecting habit (figures/movies) is more of a burden than a pleasure right now - Linda and I are trying to catalogue things ready to sell up (collection/house and get out of Birmingham in about 10 years to somewhere in the country or near to the sea)

We (Linda and I) have a healthy set of savings and investments yet I find if difficult to plan holidays due to me #catastrophising potential situations.  My depression, although now under control is still a massive issue.


However, we have planned a number of breaks/holidays, carried out house improvements and seen our kittens (River...Romana and now little Lucy grow older so they are ready for a cattery when we go on vacation).


I can see one day that I will be depression free but this will take time.

We have cut much of the #deadwood out of our lives with false friends and fake people sent on their way.

I've stopped putting the needs of others (especially the fake people) ahead of my own wellbeing.

I am my own person and I do not judge my own experiences or successes by measuring them with others.

Coming up to 40 million hits on my page!

Now, here is a picture of Romana.  Gaze in her glory ;)

Sci Fi Friday!

One year on...

It has been a year to the day that my mother passed after a brief (but painful) struggle with terminal cancer.

The time leading up to her death is now a blur, all I can remember is the smell of hospitals, the cessation of her treatment and confirming orders of not to resuscitate.

The past year has been a struggle but has gone so quickly.  After neglecting my own mental well being I have not been at my best but I am on the mend with a new set of antidepressants and a much more positive outlook.

Losing both parents in just over ten years has been an exhausting experience but strangely I do not feel lonely as I have memories of both of them that I carry with me every day (both good and bad, positive and negative).

All I can do is now look to the future and try to enjoy the journey a little more as we all know what the ultimate destination is...

Photo Friday!

Sci Fi Friday!

Something more positive and a cleanser for all the negativity..

Photo Friday!

Sci-fi Friday!

Good times

Lorde - Green Light

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Scifi Friday!

"Robowoman"

Manhattan at night.

Lorde - SuperCut (Lyric Video)

Media I am currently indulging in:

Photo Friday!

Photo Friday!

In other news...

Tomorrow is my last day of work for a week of annual leave.


I'm feeling a little burned out due to a lot of things - this time last year I was supporting my mum with lots of hospital tests not knowing that she had terminal cancer.  I won't go into details but that was a very dark time.


Also, 26 December 2017 (a day prior to my wife's birthday), Linda's mum passed away from cancer.


Again, a horrible period in our lives.


I am trying to take "stock" of "things" but am failing dismally.

I guess I am weak and not up to standard but I am trying to make sense of what the universe pushes or forces onto us.

Maybe I deserve it...the misery and the pain but....I will battle it to the end.  In my darkest hours I have contemplated the "easy" or "cheapest" way out but that is not me.  I want to say "fuck you haters!"

I am still breathing...yo.