I'm at that point, yes or no. I miss Romana the cat, I'm not feeling well and it's like looking into the abyss again.
Tuesday, 28 July 2020
Monday, 27 July 2020
Tuesday Turbulence....
I am sick and tired of #youtube and #twitter drama....Some people need to grow up and stop being a legend in their own minds.
However, I am posting a #manhattan #nyc pic that reminds me of good times. Yeah, I shot this photo!
However, I am posting a #manhattan #nyc pic that reminds me of good times. Yeah, I shot this photo!
Friday, 24 July 2020
Romana Cat. 2012-2020
This morning, Romana woke us up with a loud call, a meow akin to a plea. Linda and I rushed out of bed and comforted her, we thought that she was choking and could not see a blockage in her throat. Linda drove with Romana to the vet and it turned out that she was on the brink of death due to a low blood platelet count but this confused us as she was her normal playful self last night.
Linda bought Romana home and she will be placed at rest in our garden. Lucy and River (our other cats) look confused and massively upset.
We made the difficult, impossible decision to have our friend who is part or our family put to sleep. Rest well Romana, you'll always be 'marnie, the best cat ever.
Linda bought Romana home and she will be placed at rest in our garden. Lucy and River (our other cats) look confused and massively upset.
We made the difficult, impossible decision to have our friend who is part or our family put to sleep. Rest well Romana, you'll always be 'marnie, the best cat ever.
Friday, 17 July 2020
Sunday, 12 July 2020
Friday, 10 July 2020
Friday, 3 July 2020
Thursday, 2 July 2020
Friday, 26 June 2020
Friday, 19 June 2020
Wednesday, 17 June 2020
Saturday, 13 June 2020
Friday, 12 June 2020
Wednesday, 10 June 2020
Tuesday, 9 June 2020
Friday, 5 June 2020
Friday, 29 May 2020
Friday, 22 May 2020
Friday, 15 May 2020
Wednesday, 13 May 2020
Friday, 8 May 2020
Friday, 1 May 2020
Thursday, 30 April 2020
Sit-rep
I'm feeling pretty damned horrendous right now. The haters out there will probably love this but fuck 'em.
As people following this blog might know, I came down with flu in mid December. Come late December I could not walk and lost use of my hands/legs. I spent a shitty week in a shitty hospital in January and the "professionals" managing my treatment fucked up so I self discharged with the hope of outpatient support.
Basically, due to a case of flu my immune system went into overdrive and attacked my nervous system.
One spinal tap/lumbar puncture later and a brief catch up with a neurologist in March with the promise of more tests and physio.
Nerve damage is highly likely to be permanent so coming to terms with that.
However, due to #covid19 I am stuck, stranded. I cannot sleep properly and the codeine based pain meds are not for me so it's aspirin and ibuprofen all day, everyday. No tests in the near future or much needed physiotherapy for my legs and upper body.
Why am I posting this - 15 years ago my father died suddenly. He was dead before he hit the ground.
After this happened I couldn't sleep, didn't eat and just stared out of the window constantly. We were never close and there was always bad blood between us (family stuff, family history and wounds that will never be resolved or healed).
This week, Linda and I have been trying to watch TV and forget/block out what is currently happening (for the record, Linda lost her mom to cancer in 2017)
We chose S2 of the TV show 24....but it was only this evening I realised that this show acted as escape and a "mental" crutch to me in 2005 when my dad passed, I binged it on DVD when I could not sleep. The fate of George Mason still resonates with me today.
What I am trying to say is...yes, I need escape from my current physical problems and god, do I want to escape but, great story telling is a skill and a gift. My movie collection is a massive relief and way of escaping from what I am experiencing right now
As people following this blog might know, I came down with flu in mid December. Come late December I could not walk and lost use of my hands/legs. I spent a shitty week in a shitty hospital in January and the "professionals" managing my treatment fucked up so I self discharged with the hope of outpatient support.
Basically, due to a case of flu my immune system went into overdrive and attacked my nervous system.
One spinal tap/lumbar puncture later and a brief catch up with a neurologist in March with the promise of more tests and physio.
Nerve damage is highly likely to be permanent so coming to terms with that.
However, due to #covid19 I am stuck, stranded. I cannot sleep properly and the codeine based pain meds are not for me so it's aspirin and ibuprofen all day, everyday. No tests in the near future or much needed physiotherapy for my legs and upper body.
Why am I posting this - 15 years ago my father died suddenly. He was dead before he hit the ground.
After this happened I couldn't sleep, didn't eat and just stared out of the window constantly. We were never close and there was always bad blood between us (family stuff, family history and wounds that will never be resolved or healed).
This week, Linda and I have been trying to watch TV and forget/block out what is currently happening (for the record, Linda lost her mom to cancer in 2017)
We chose S2 of the TV show 24....but it was only this evening I realised that this show acted as escape and a "mental" crutch to me in 2005 when my dad passed, I binged it on DVD when I could not sleep. The fate of George Mason still resonates with me today.
What I am trying to say is...yes, I need escape from my current physical problems and god, do I want to escape but, great story telling is a skill and a gift. My movie collection is a massive relief and way of escaping from what I am experiencing right now
Dammit!
Friday, 24 April 2020
Thursday, 23 April 2020
Friday, 17 April 2020
Friday, 10 April 2020
Tuesday, 7 April 2020
Monday, 6 April 2020
Friday, 3 April 2020
Monday, 30 March 2020
Sunday, 29 March 2020
Friday, 27 March 2020
Wednesday, 25 March 2020
Mr Robot
It's taken me a while (being a fellow #sperg with mental ill health) I was a bit scared to watch it but...it is interesting.
Friday, 20 March 2020
Thursday, 19 March 2020
Wednesday, 18 March 2020
Tuesday, 17 March 2020
Monday, 16 March 2020
Friday, 13 March 2020
Thursday, 12 March 2020
Wednesday, 11 March 2020
Breaking all my rules!
If or when I fully recover from this neurological illness I have promised myself that...I will cosplay this bad boy. Full Beskar armour and no face reveal.
For anyone who knows me in RL (god forbid) cosplay is a massive red line ...but....this tv series has lifted me out of some of my darkest hours.
This is the way.
Tuesday, 10 March 2020
Friday, 6 March 2020
Thursday, 5 March 2020
Monday, 2 March 2020
Saturday, 29 February 2020
Friday, 28 February 2020
Wednesday, 26 February 2020
Friday, 21 February 2020
This is the way. The Mandalorian
It's been a challenging few weeks to say the least but one thing has kept me going - The Mandalorian TV series. Utterly brilliant and having watched all the eps at least 3 times each, I'm sold.
Also, love that Favreau and Filoni borrowed some of the best aspects from the Lone Wolf and Cub (printed manga series and its cinematic series counterpart(s). Not to say from movie epics from the Spaghetti Westerns genre
Also, best theme music * ever* to a TV series
Tuesday, 18 February 2020
The Boxer - Paul Simon and Art Garfunkel
In the
clearing stands a boxer
And a
fighter by his trade
And he
carries the reminders
Of every
glove that laid him down
And cut
him till he cried out
In his
anger and his shame
“I am
leaving, I am leaving”
But the
fighter still remains
Still
remains
Friday, 14 February 2020
Wednesday, 12 February 2020
Still breathing and still at home thankfully....
Last week was pretty nasty - if someone offers you a lumbar puncture, I'd highly recommend you run away. Quickly. However, the med staff, Matt and Stacey were professional and amazing (from an out patient perspective)
If you feel curious about the procedure (and yes, my eyes did weep and I had to bite the back of my hand in order to focus on not moving to prevent spine/nerve damage, you can watch a video of the procedure and what is entailed here ).
More tests at neurological unit due in March. Hoping I will have hired a wheelchair from a local charity by then (I hate asking the porters to push me around from place to place in the hospital). It's also weird when your partner has to help you get dressed but at least she does not have to help me walk to the toilet anymore.
A week on, my back and spine are still recovering. A 30 minute MRI confirmed that I have three damaged discs in my lower spine from a historical injury (could have been from over 20 years ago, thank you #hmv). It's doubtful that this is the causation of my current situation but it is worth taking into account.
My GP prescribed some wonderful pain killers but held off from taking them, fear of them not working was a hurdle. As is not being able to walk unaided.
Typing is a "chore" as I have limited use of hands/fingers. LOL, I need a larger mobile phone than my Samsung S9+ (totally scared of dropping it so Lucy the cat has borrowed it - she likes its music library). Had a visit from one of my closest friends last week which cheered me up no end.
Good days and bad days, all in all. Waiting for next head shave from Linda. 10 days and 1.5mm of hair growth already. Growing (pardon the pun) used to having no hair on head. Being totally bald is liberating. But then again, so is waking up next to a loving partner and a profoundly deaf cat (River) who has developed the habit of rubbing her nose against my wrist in order to get my attention/wake me up from the pain killer induced coma.
It's weird, but, the cats kind of get that I am not well and in their own way, they communicate that concern. Medical professionals/consultants could learn a lot from this. #empathy
Friday, 7 February 2020
Friday, 31 January 2020
Wednesday, 29 January 2020
Do you know something....
...the worst thing about having the knowledge that you are living with a potentiality life limiting/ terminal health condition is not the when or why.
For me, I just want it over with now. I'm not going into detail but the pain today reduced me to the shape of a human bagel and I cried tears of anguish and prayed for death.
But, being found next to the cat litter tray in one's pyjamas in the kitchen is not the best way for your loved one to remember you.
So, tomorrow, hoping to do the stop breathing thing (cardiac arrest or anything biologically natural, painless, silent with no self/personal intervention or supernatural means) at around 9:30 am when Linda is at work and the cats decide to take over their side of the bed. I want to go in comfort and in peace. I don't have any more words or thoughts left in me now. I want to die alone and with my dignity intact.
Although this seems morbid, I am in way too much physical and emotional pain right now to be concerned about how I or others perceive this current situation.
If I wake up tomorrow, cool. If I still feel this unwell tomorrow. Not cool.
Let's just wash, rinse, repeat and wait for nature to take its course.
*********
EDIT I am still trying to deal with the loss of the use of my hands/fingers (due to nerve damage) and not being able to walk without the assistance of people/a walking frame. Linda helped me make the difficult decision to shave all of the hair off my head as it's no longer practical to maintain.
I've started to inventory the professional DSLR cameras, full frame lenses and lighting with the mind to sell prior to my"passing". I've taken on board that this era of my life is now over, as is international travel.
I'm now in "acceptance mode" unless the extensive medical tests prove otherwise. Sleeping around 15 hours per day and something I have learned - the purring of our pet cats helps and I keep staring at the bottles of painkillers as meditation and lucid dreaming keeps my intellect alive. Although, the lure of the prescribed painkillers lure me into amazing coma like sleeps.
For me, I just want it over with now. I'm not going into detail but the pain today reduced me to the shape of a human bagel and I cried tears of anguish and prayed for death.
But, being found next to the cat litter tray in one's pyjamas in the kitchen is not the best way for your loved one to remember you.
So, tomorrow, hoping to do the stop breathing thing (cardiac arrest or anything biologically natural, painless, silent with no self/personal intervention or supernatural means) at around 9:30 am when Linda is at work and the cats decide to take over their side of the bed. I want to go in comfort and in peace. I don't have any more words or thoughts left in me now. I want to die alone and with my dignity intact.
Although this seems morbid, I am in way too much physical and emotional pain right now to be concerned about how I or others perceive this current situation.
If I wake up tomorrow, cool. If I still feel this unwell tomorrow. Not cool.
Let's just wash, rinse, repeat and wait for nature to take its course.
*********
EDIT I am still trying to deal with the loss of the use of my hands/fingers (due to nerve damage) and not being able to walk without the assistance of people/a walking frame. Linda helped me make the difficult decision to shave all of the hair off my head as it's no longer practical to maintain.
I've started to inventory the professional DSLR cameras, full frame lenses and lighting with the mind to sell prior to my"passing". I've taken on board that this era of my life is now over, as is international travel.
I'm now in "acceptance mode" unless the extensive medical tests prove otherwise. Sleeping around 15 hours per day and something I have learned - the purring of our pet cats helps and I keep staring at the bottles of painkillers as meditation and lucid dreaming keeps my intellect alive. Although, the lure of the prescribed painkillers lure me into amazing coma like sleeps.
Friday, 24 January 2020
Tuesday, 21 January 2020
Back, from outer space
I've been offline for a few days due to a six day stay in hospital due to complications surrounding my auto immune system deciding to attack my body after issues arising from a case of flu. It was a mutual agreement to discharge myself between my doctor/consultant and come home.
The condition I may have (diagnosis is unconfirmed but impacts upon 1 in 100,000 people and kills 7 in 100 of those).
So, I have a lumbar puncture/spinal tap, neurological tests and physiotherapy to look forward to (as an outpatient). Lessons learned - hide your shoes and lock your cabinet to prevent dementia patients from stealing your stuff.
*Edited to add* It looks unlikely at this point that the full use of my legs (without assistance such as a walking frame or wheelchair) alongside the tactile feedback/use of my hands/fingers will never fully return.
As taking a bath or shower is difficult/challenging - I am taking the difficult decision to shave all the hair off my head. Sourcing cool hats off amazon as we speak.
My brain is all over the place right now but in my gut, I don't think I will see 2020 to its logical conclusion.
As taking a bath or shower is difficult/challenging - I am taking the difficult decision to shave all the hair off my head. Sourcing cool hats off amazon as we speak.
My brain is all over the place right now but in my gut, I don't think I will see 2020 to its logical conclusion.
It is nice to be home. I'm surrounded by amazing cats but I need to teach them how to help me read all those books as my fingers can't turn the pages.
Normal service to be resumed shortly, what ever that is but here's hoping.
Thursday, 9 January 2020
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)