Friday, 31 January 2020
Wednesday, 29 January 2020
Do you know something....
...the worst thing about having the knowledge that you are living with a potentiality life limiting/ terminal health condition is not the when or why.
For me, I just want it over with now. I'm not going into detail but the pain today reduced me to the shape of a human bagel and I cried tears of anguish and prayed for death.
But, being found next to the cat litter tray in one's pyjamas in the kitchen is not the best way for your loved one to remember you.
So, tomorrow, hoping to do the stop breathing thing (cardiac arrest or anything biologically natural, painless, silent with no self/personal intervention or supernatural means) at around 9:30 am when Linda is at work and the cats decide to take over their side of the bed. I want to go in comfort and in peace. I don't have any more words or thoughts left in me now. I want to die alone and with my dignity intact.
Although this seems morbid, I am in way too much physical and emotional pain right now to be concerned about how I or others perceive this current situation.
If I wake up tomorrow, cool. If I still feel this unwell tomorrow. Not cool.
Let's just wash, rinse, repeat and wait for nature to take its course.
*********
EDIT I am still trying to deal with the loss of the use of my hands/fingers (due to nerve damage) and not being able to walk without the assistance of people/a walking frame. Linda helped me make the difficult decision to shave all of the hair off my head as it's no longer practical to maintain.
I've started to inventory the professional DSLR cameras, full frame lenses and lighting with the mind to sell prior to my"passing". I've taken on board that this era of my life is now over, as is international travel.
I'm now in "acceptance mode" unless the extensive medical tests prove otherwise. Sleeping around 15 hours per day and something I have learned - the purring of our pet cats helps and I keep staring at the bottles of painkillers as meditation and lucid dreaming keeps my intellect alive. Although, the lure of the prescribed painkillers lure me into amazing coma like sleeps.
For me, I just want it over with now. I'm not going into detail but the pain today reduced me to the shape of a human bagel and I cried tears of anguish and prayed for death.
But, being found next to the cat litter tray in one's pyjamas in the kitchen is not the best way for your loved one to remember you.
So, tomorrow, hoping to do the stop breathing thing (cardiac arrest or anything biologically natural, painless, silent with no self/personal intervention or supernatural means) at around 9:30 am when Linda is at work and the cats decide to take over their side of the bed. I want to go in comfort and in peace. I don't have any more words or thoughts left in me now. I want to die alone and with my dignity intact.
Although this seems morbid, I am in way too much physical and emotional pain right now to be concerned about how I or others perceive this current situation.
If I wake up tomorrow, cool. If I still feel this unwell tomorrow. Not cool.
Let's just wash, rinse, repeat and wait for nature to take its course.
*********
EDIT I am still trying to deal with the loss of the use of my hands/fingers (due to nerve damage) and not being able to walk without the assistance of people/a walking frame. Linda helped me make the difficult decision to shave all of the hair off my head as it's no longer practical to maintain.
I've started to inventory the professional DSLR cameras, full frame lenses and lighting with the mind to sell prior to my"passing". I've taken on board that this era of my life is now over, as is international travel.
I'm now in "acceptance mode" unless the extensive medical tests prove otherwise. Sleeping around 15 hours per day and something I have learned - the purring of our pet cats helps and I keep staring at the bottles of painkillers as meditation and lucid dreaming keeps my intellect alive. Although, the lure of the prescribed painkillers lure me into amazing coma like sleeps.
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