Photo Friday!

#retro #film

Excited!

Ridley Scott's Alien - 4K UHD disc.

Yep, I am one of those who are the on the 4K UHD HDR bandwagon.  

Outside of Jaws, Raiders of the Lost Ark and the Star Wars movies (aside from SW:  The Last Jedi which already has a 4K UHD disc) this is possibly one of my most eagerly awaited releases.

I remember watching Alien on the telly box (Cathode Ray Tube) back in the day.  All the blacks looked grey, it was in 4:3 image aspect ratio (which meant the image was cropped) but it was still bloody amazing.  I think this, with my 5.1 sound system will be a treat for both the eyes and the ears.

My 4K Blu Ray library is growing at a good rate but this whole dystopian view of physical media is becoming tiresome.  Netflix et al are great but if you like something and want to future proof it, you cannot beat having something on the shelf as streaming movies is nice but it doesn't mean you'll be able to access it forever as some companies can pull those titles at the drop of a hat.

Counting down the days for this release... :)

Mid-week catch up

Secret fact about me - I *adore* the music of Sir Elton John.  Yeah, I know, not down with the kids or  being cool.  His compositions, songs and lyrics just cut to the heart of the matter.  Like Bowie, Lennon and The Stones, they shaped many of us 20th Century kids who listened to the radio during the 70's and 80's

Other fact - I believe that Bohemian Rhapsody was an amazing film (excluding the taint from the controversy of the "original" director" but I am not qualified to comment on that.  All I know and feel is that the film portrayed a massively difficult narrative in a sensitive way, to protect the memories and legacy of Freddy and his lovers).

I'm a massive fan of actor and director Dexter Fletcher - if you ever get the chance, track down the series that was created by Mr Steven Moffat in the 80's.  It's can be purchased here and it is some of the best drama ever made (seriously, it's a kid's show but the themes, OMG!)

Fletcher, has directed this and I will be there on day one - Rocket Man.

But, back to Sir Elton and Taron.  One of my all time favourite songs. Two of the most brilliant and talented people sharing a stage to highlight the work of an amazing charity.

 Enjoy!

Therapy Tuesday

I've been back in therapy (1-1) for the last 3 months.

It is helping, massively but, gosh it takes its toll.  Each session is painful, funny and enlightening.  I learn something new about myself and how I deal with things.

OK - Today's session.

• I am not a terrible person, I'm actually articulate, funny and possibly creative.  Greg, my therapist, said that I am very funny.  I do use humour as a shield sometimes  (although I need to work on my delivery.
• Greg asked me about my screenplay and asked for a run down of the first act.  He liked it but worst pitch ever.  If I am ever in the position to sell this, I need to be prepared.  I was not expecting to be asked about it.  Totally unprepared.
• Anti-depressants are possibly no longer me (daily intake) but look to alternate support mechanisms (Beta-Blockers or something to reduce anxiety).
• I have massive issues with suppressing anger and dealing with it (in life outside of work).  Fight or Flight confirmed.  We discussed "Helicopter Theory" (Imagine you are in a situation, viewing it from above and evaluate it.  What could go wrong, what could make things go more smoothly).  (Note:  I am not violent and would never resort to a physical reaction unless my life, or that of Linda's was under threat.  Physical violence scares me)
• My "strange" family history.
• The darker stuff was super dark, not talking about it here.  Probably never (I hope)
• Depression and anxiety is a "time thief".  I realised this along time ago (NOT in a Galaxy Far Far Away).  I voiced my concerns that I am not feeling up to living like this tomorrow, next month...yadda yadda yadda but he assured me that I can change things.
• Physics and death.  I tried to apply basic physics.  Energy cannot be destroyed, it just changes it state/form.  You burn a piece of wood, that releases energy but my stupid,awful brain also applied this to death.  Energy changes form but no one has ever come back from the dead (yet!).  What if my brain (still aware) is trapped in a decaying body.....*shudder*.  That one will keep me awake for a long long time.
• Having good things to look forward to.  Life is not about hurdles and failure.  It's about perspective and more importantly, hope.
  
  So, that was my afternoon.  It felt like lancing a boil but I found out a few interesting things.
  
  So, Therapy wins today!
  
  YAY!

Number one!

To all my fantastic friends out there!

James B, Ingrid, Eva, Brandy Lee, Marg OC and Linds.

All the people who have believed in me over the years and new friends (James, Elena En. K, Natasha G and the amazing Joylan Brilliance).  Apols if I missed anyone out here!  Love you all!


Thank you. x

The Diary of Me vs Detoxing from Anti-Depressants.

Five days in from cutting out the Venlafaxine.  

The past five days have felt like an eternity of vertigo, sickness, brain shocks (more like mini seizures), lucid dreams, awful nightmares, no co-ordination, vomiting and online shopping (not one of the listed side effects but I have a some new "Dooms Day" Prepping Equipment, a Captain Marvel Action Figure, a Funko Goose the Cat and some Lego)  

The past 9 or 10 years I have felt like I have been kept on ice

Feeling things again has been a shock to the system.


I think I had forgotten what it was like to experience emotions and feelings. 

The Good.

Art, books, music, film, talking to the cats, sunlight and the experience of a great meal.  Appreciating my physical form and how it reacts to pleasurable situations.  Feeling my emotions well up (happy or sad), experiencing that bursting sensation in my chest.

The Bad.

Memories of a past that are out of my reach, mistakes I have made, people I have let down, actions I can never change, moments of soul destroying sadness, crying over silly things that are recalling the bitter and the sweet at the same time.
  

The Ugly.

Anger.  Fear.  Hate.  Not being able to control my emotional reactions or responses.  Even using my intellect cannot stop that instant Fight/flight paradigm.  A lack of trust in people.  Not being brave enough to call things out when I should have.  


How do I move forward?  

Well, I think it's dumb to say after five days of feeling more alive that things will improve but it's a start.  I'm not an adventurous person but several people have recommended this as a treatment and it's in the realm of possibility (one day but given my current working arrangements, it's completely off reservation and is not a viable option).


Five Days.  It feels more like Five Years.  


Ask how things are going in 10 days........

Something for a Sunday afternoon

"Still a man hears what he wants to hear, and disregards the rest"....

I was caught up in my own problems - 4 February 2005.  Miss you, dad x

14 years - passed in an instant, you weren't perfect but you ensured Andy (my brother - even though we never met until 1992, family secrets suck) and myself were never hungry or bereft.  You taught me some harsh life lessons but maybe you were right.

Phil -  30 March 1946 * 4 February 2005.

In the clearing stands a boxer

And a fighter by his trade

And he carries the reminders

Of every glove that laid him down

Or cut him till he cried out

In his anger and his shame

"I am leaving, I am leaving"

But the fighter still remains