Tuesday, 18 February 2020

The Ghosts of Manhattan


The Boxer - Paul Simon and Art Garfunkel

In the clearing stands a boxer
And a fighter by his trade
And he carries the reminders
Of every glove that laid him down
And cut him till he cried out
In his anger and his shame
“I am leaving, I am leaving”
But the fighter still remains
Still remains

Random photo Tuesday!


Wednesday, 12 February 2020

Manhattan memories - Random photo


Still breathing and still at home thankfully....

Last week was pretty nasty - if someone offers you a lumbar puncture, I'd highly recommend you run away.   Quickly.  However, the med staff, Matt and Stacey were professional and amazing (from an out patient perspective)

If you feel curious about the procedure (and yes, my eyes did weep and I had to bite the back of my hand in order to focus on not moving to prevent spine/nerve damage, you can watch a video of the procedure and what is entailed here ).

More tests at neurological unit due in March.  Hoping I will have hired a wheelchair from a local charity by then (I hate asking the porters to push me around from place to place in the hospital).  It's also weird when your partner has to help you get dressed but at least she does not have to help me walk to the toilet anymore.

A week on, my back and spine are still recovering.  A 30 minute MRI confirmed that I have three damaged discs in my lower spine from a historical injury (could have been from over 20 years ago, thank you #hmv).  It's doubtful that this is the causation of my current situation but it is worth taking into account.

My GP prescribed some wonderful pain killers but held off from taking them, fear of them not working was a hurdle.  As is not being able to walk unaided. 

Typing is a "chore" as I have limited use of hands/fingers.  LOL, I need a larger mobile phone than my Samsung S9+ (totally scared of dropping it so Lucy the cat has borrowed it - she likes its music library).  Had a visit from one of my closest friends last week which cheered me up no end. 

Good days and bad days, all in all.  Waiting for next head shave from Linda.  10 days and 1.5mm of hair growth already.  Growing (pardon the pun) used to having no hair on head.  Being totally bald is liberating.  But then again, so is waking up next to a loving partner and a profoundly deaf cat (River) who has developed the habit of rubbing her nose against my wrist in order to get my attention/wake me up from the pain killer induced coma.

It's weird, but, the cats kind of get that I am not well and in their own way, they communicate that concern.    Medical professionals/consultants could learn a lot from this.  #empathy

Wednesday, 29 January 2020

Do you know something....

...the worst thing about having the knowledge that you are living with a potentiality life limiting/ terminal health condition is not the when or why.

For me, I just want it over with now.  I'm not going into detail but the pain today reduced me to the shape of a human bagel and I cried tears of anguish and prayed for death.

But, being found next to the cat litter tray in one's pyjamas in the kitchen is not the best way for your loved one to remember you.

So, tomorrow, hoping to do the stop breathing thing (cardiac arrest or anything biologically natural, painless, silent with no self/personal intervention or supernatural means) at around 9:30 am  when Linda is at work and the cats decide to take over their side of the bed.  I want to go in comfort and in peace.  I don't have any more words or thoughts left in me now.  I want to die alone and with my dignity intact.

Although this seems morbid, I am in way too much physical and emotional pain right now to be concerned about how I or others perceive this current situation.

If I wake up tomorrow, cool.  If I still feel this unwell tomorrow.  Not cool.

Let's just wash, rinse, repeat and wait for nature to take its course.


EDIT I am still trying to deal with the loss of the use of my hands/fingers (due to nerve damage) and not being able to walk without the assistance of people/a walking frame.  Linda helped me make the difficult decision to shave all of the hair off my head as it's no longer practical to maintain.

I've started to inventory the professional DSLR cameras, full frame lenses and lighting with the mind to sell prior to my"passing".  I've taken on board that this era of my life is now over, as is international travel.

I'm now in "acceptance mode" unless the extensive medical tests prove otherwise.   Sleeping around 15 hours per day and something I have learned - the purring of our pet cats helps and I keep staring at the bottles of painkillers as meditation and lucid dreaming keeps my intellect alive.  Although, the lure of the prescribed painkillers lure me into amazing coma like sleeps.