So - the ennui sets in and I have a little venture through my DVD collection, picking out all manner of movies to watch or chill out to. Whilst doing job apps and the like, I prefer something not too taxing on the brain and something I can dip in or out of without worrying too much about plot points (or the lack of). Perfect movies for this include no-brainers like the Luigi Cossi classic Star Crash which features the acting talents of David Hasselhof, Caroline Munroe (eye candy!) and a very embarrassed looking Christopher Plummer or the 1979 version of Flash Gordon. Movies like the above are often (misguidedly) treasured objects from our childhood - and give us a quick fix memory trip back to happier, more simple times.
Today - I felt in a mood to watch a zombie movie. I usually reserve the "good" ones for night time viewing as they are more effective but selected the 1978 Spanish "Zombie Creeping Flesh" (AKA Hell of the Living Dead) for my viewing pleasure.
Let me get this straight - Zombie Creeping Flesh is a bad movie. It has no redeeming qualities whatsover. Badly made, badly shot, badly scripted, badly acted. In fact, let's just say it's a bit shit really. But, in its defence, there is something in this movie that brings me back time and time again to sit through its sheer bloody awfulness. The effects are, shall we say, basic. They use a cat to jump out of a false stomach in a zombie. Yes, a real live cat that looks really pissed off.
This movie is the equivalent of a puppy with specific educational or physical needs - you really want to hate it but you can't - then it does something that really pisses you off but it's still a puppy. It's cute but does awful things like urinating on the carpet or takes a dump in your cereal bowl. Flawed but lovable.
So - in the spirit of my previous Public Information Films, I present to you -
Zombie Creeping Flesh - AKA Hell of the Living Dead
Credited to Bruno Mattei, Spanish hack director also had a hand in completing Lucio Fulci's return to the zombie making genre, "Zombie 3". He also managed to fuck that one up too.
Zombie Creeping Flesh (ZCF) came about as a result of the popularity of Romero's Dawn of the Dead in 1978. The Italian and Spanish market clamoured for more product - pitches and scripts were sold and bandied around Cannes and The Paris Film Festival in the way Pokemon cards are swapped up in school playgrounds. For every good "homage" to Romero's Masterpiece (Fulci's Zombi 2 and his subsequent follow ons), there were 10 god awful rip offs - Zombi Holocaust, Nightmare City are two which spring instantly to mind.
Immitation could be argued as being the highest form of flattery around 1978 but it did not make for good viewing. The iconic characters that Romero created were totally ripped off in ZCF - and the sound track created by Italian rock group Goblin, was made up of out takes from Dawn of the Dead (and Cozzi's Alien rip off, "Contamination".
ZCF starts promisingly - with a bunch of scientists working on a project called "Hope" which is designed to cure world hunger. As with the best laid plans, things go awry when a Zombie Rat (yes, you heard correctly) burrows into a badly costumed tech guy. Some green gas escapes and the shit hits the fan.
You can tell this movie was made in 1978 - the archetypal scientist looks very "trustworthy".
Yes - that is his hand pretending to be the zombie rat. Actors back in those days really earned their cash.
All the zombies look essentially the same - green make up and an inane expression. If you look at later zombies in this post - they are either pissing themselves laughing or are taking it way too seriously.
As you can see - the Romero influence is pretty big. The guy on the left is a bit shoutey in this movie and the guy on the right thinks he's some kind of Robert De Niro method actor.
At this point - our heroes are about to storm an embassy and kill lots of terrorists that look about 15 (apart from 1 guy who has a mustache). The woman is obviously modelled on Patty Hearst. I think Patty has a lot to answer for on the cliched female terrorist front.
And the media - as if the police would let you that close to film your crack team of commandos doing the "shoot to kill" thing.
Police triumph over terrorist scum. Why are they wearing sunglasses in doors???? Is it some terrorist chic thing?? They do look pretty young to be terrorists?
OK! 25 minutes in and we see zombies again! Hooray! This one looks like my ex boss, Roger.
Now - this is why I love this movie. The acting. Margit Evelyn Newton deserves an oscar for just...well, being her. Gets her tits out at the drop of a hat and does facial expressions such as this.
And of course - the zombie acting. Either they are smiling or just being a bit shit really. The zombies are pretty well dressed for people who live in the deepest darkest part of the New Guinea forests
Now - I think the script guy wanted to make us feel something, that the ombie apocalypse is a serious thing really. So what does he do? Sticks a zombie child in there. During this sequence someone is prompting the kid off camera as we see his eyes dart across and he is obviously copying facial expressions/movements from a AD or something.
ah - more zombies. The one on the left looks like someone has stuck cornflakes to his face with prit-stick glue. None of this high budget CGI shite - this is made from stuff you can find in your food cupboards.
And it sinks into yet another cliche. Why, oh why do women just stand there in zombie movies and let themselves be attacked? C'mon, surely she must have some suvival instinct?
Yep - still standing...
This has utterly no logic to it. Yet it happens in so many films. Am sure if you saw the walking dead wandering down your road, you would run like buggery in the opposite direction and not let said zombie wrap its necrotic little paws around your throat???
Terry Wogan in Zombie movie shocker?
Ok - so we've had the scientist, terrorists, zombies, media and now for the *boobies*
This scene involves the heroine heading to a small village, getting her kit off, a bit of body painting and a little dancing. Sounds like a typical night in B'ham really.
Is that MAC lipstick she's wearing?
They used a lot of preshot "stock footage" for this movie. You get a bit of dialog then a shot of the jungle obviously lifted (or stolen) from a TV show.
And back to "native girl". I'm sure she's peeing standing up in this shot.
And scary hand gestures - how could you say no to that?
But all we want to do is check her ass out:
Time for more boobies:
And natives!
New Guinea is marketing a new line in blow up sex dolls.
Coming to a sex shop near you soon.
Do you get owls in the jungles of Papua New Guinea?
It's Jimi Hendrix - as a zombie! Hey Jimi, I've got all your records, man
Budget is running low - surely they can afford more than 6 zombies?
this is what happens to catalogue models when they become zombies:
More bad acting:
Yes - that is a papier mache head:
More great zombie acting:
Ooooh, a scary skeleton in a swimming pool. Could this be a sophisticated bit of plot foreshadowing?
I think Simon Pegg saw this and ripped it off for Shaun of the Dead? Seriously...humans + zombies + a slide?
When you see a character wearing a tutu and tap dancing when there are zombies around, you know this person will die. It's in the rules, man
As to special effects - they put a real live cat in a zombie woman's stomach. The cat looks and sounds far from happy.
OK - so was this movie directed by Stevie Wonder? She is not holding that gun straight! This was before the days when actors were sent on Boot Camp to train them up for doing basic stuff like walking in straight lines or delivering dialog without tripping over the scenery?
More zombies - this reminds me of the days when I worked in a record store. People would line up outside and rub their faces against the windows. In the winter, these pale faces used to freak me out. (Note the centre female zombie appears to be really enjoying herself).
Oh my god - did they put a stick up the guy's ass on the left?
I'm sure this stunt zombie would have needed medical help after this one:
This zombie looks like author Iain Banks
More facial acting - this scene lasts about 10 seconds and he does so many expressions. I think De Niro could learn something from this guy.
Yep - more foreshadowing. I think the director took a leaf out of the Damien Day school of film making (ref to Drop the Dead Donkey).
Another snap from the beach at Morocco where we went on holiday. They are chasing Linda at this moment for some cash.
More facial acting - don't worry, he dies soon.
This chick would be hot if it wasn't for all the blood and shit on her face. I can live with the blank expression though...
More bad zombie over acting:
Now - see the zombie lady on the right of the frame. I think she does porn or something because all through this scene she keeps making a "blow job" type mouth at the camera. You cannot tell from the two grabs here but it is pretty funny in the film.
And that is a really bad wig on the zombie to the rear left.
I think the zombie in the centre is a bad pupeteer - she keeps holding her hands up like she's operating sock puppets or something??
Yep - a main character gets the zombie treatment yet he looks and acts the same as when he was human...
A very bad special effect. I could make a Helen Keller joke here but I won't.
and finally - after all the characters die horribly, the action switches to Central Park where this hussy tries to get a light from a zombie.
Except zombies don't smoke...
And everyone lives happily ever after.
the End!
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