A difficult post - I've been struggling massively these past months/few years with depression. Full disclosure, earlier this year things got way too heavy and I came very close to doing something very stupid.
My resolve/resilience is massively low right now and I have taken some annual leave from work to try and "fix" things - insomnia, moods which swing from low to even lower and a general lack of appetite for life.
When I say "fix" things, I mean "manage". Depression, both clinical and chronic, is something I have to live with and adjust to. I've come to the conclusion that it will never go away.
Therapy has helped, massively when it comes to processing my feelings and emotions (I learned that emotions, even the negative ones, are not "bad" things - they act as a temperature check and enable us to cope with certain situations). Since August 2017, I kind of switched off my emotions in order to deal with a traumatic life event. Since then, I've only felt anger, remorse and resentment. It's kind of like all the "good" and "positive" was vacuumed out of me, leaving only a hollow husk of an unlikable individual. However, I am trying to take pleasure in the smaller moments, the simple things that enable me to experience pleasure again.
A pattern I do need to break is this sense of dislocated "doom" or "disaster" that lurks just out of sight on the periphery of my thoughts and emotional "spectrum". I think this is a massive trigger for me. It feels like my life lurches from one negative experience to another and again, not healthy. I am no longer able to "live in the moment" and I always feel as if my life experience is like a VHS tape, always on "fast forward". And this is why I fail.
Something I have learned is that depression is a killer. It not only steals happiness, it takes time and happiness away from us. Stunting our development and life experiences. I have missed out on so much since I was first diagnosed (medically) with depression in 2010. Nine years later and I have learned so much, about myself, what makes me tick and what drives me. Sometimes I like what I see and other times I don't.
I guess I need to embrace the positive and the negative to become the person I need to be instead of the one I think I *should* be?
Edited to Add - Myself and Linda are not going to taint this blog with commenting on certain people's lies. By acknowledging their existence, Linda and I give them power and dominion over us. Which is exactly what they crave. #sad
My resolve/resilience is massively low right now and I have taken some annual leave from work to try and "fix" things - insomnia, moods which swing from low to even lower and a general lack of appetite for life.
When I say "fix" things, I mean "manage". Depression, both clinical and chronic, is something I have to live with and adjust to. I've come to the conclusion that it will never go away.
Therapy has helped, massively when it comes to processing my feelings and emotions (I learned that emotions, even the negative ones, are not "bad" things - they act as a temperature check and enable us to cope with certain situations). Since August 2017, I kind of switched off my emotions in order to deal with a traumatic life event. Since then, I've only felt anger, remorse and resentment. It's kind of like all the "good" and "positive" was vacuumed out of me, leaving only a hollow husk of an unlikable individual. However, I am trying to take pleasure in the smaller moments, the simple things that enable me to experience pleasure again.
A pattern I do need to break is this sense of dislocated "doom" or "disaster" that lurks just out of sight on the periphery of my thoughts and emotional "spectrum". I think this is a massive trigger for me. It feels like my life lurches from one negative experience to another and again, not healthy. I am no longer able to "live in the moment" and I always feel as if my life experience is like a VHS tape, always on "fast forward". And this is why I fail.
Something I have learned is that depression is a killer. It not only steals happiness, it takes time and happiness away from us. Stunting our development and life experiences. I have missed out on so much since I was first diagnosed (medically) with depression in 2010. Nine years later and I have learned so much, about myself, what makes me tick and what drives me. Sometimes I like what I see and other times I don't.
I guess I need to embrace the positive and the negative to become the person I need to be instead of the one I think I *should* be?
Edited to Add - Myself and Linda are not going to taint this blog with commenting on certain people's lies. By acknowledging their existence, Linda and I give them power and dominion over us. Which is exactly what they crave. #sad
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